This is the funniest spoof I think of football news in NZ on www.sportsbox.co.nz:
http://sportbox.co.nz/?p=337
GARETH MORGAN OFFERS TO BUY NZ FOOTBALL, SEND BOARD TO NORTH KOREA
POSTED BY EDITOR ON NOV 25, 2013 IN FOOTBALL | 0 COMMENTS
Wellington philanthropist, motorcyclist, cat hater and rival of Kim Dotcom for media attention, Gareth Morgan has offered to buy New Zealand Football for $5 million in the wake of the All White’s loss to Mexico. As part of the proposed deal, the existing Board of NZ Football would be sent to a re-educational facility in North Korea for what Dr Morgan has described as “remedial football, management and correct attitude to cats training.”
“I got the idea from my recent visit to North Korea,” Dr Morgan said from his backyard where he continues his six-long stakeout to catch his neighbour’s cat. “Over in North Korea, the Government owns all the sporting codes and take a proactive interest in the well-being of their sporting psyche. When a team isn’t performing, rather than letting the players and coaches continue to disappoint themselves and the fans, they take them out of the spotlight and put them to more productive uses, like quarrying rocks for motorways or working in nuclear reactors without protection.
“I really like the way that North Korea operates and takes such an active interest in people who aren’t living up to their patriotic ideals, so I’ve made this offer in the best interests of New Zealand football fans and the poor Board of NZ Football who, sadly, can’t see how their defensive mindset is playing into the hand’s of the Imperialists at FIFA,” continued Dr Morgan.
Dr Morgan, who made the proposal over the weekend after internet mogul and obesity poster child Kim Dotcom stole media attention from him last week by saying New Zealand was boring, said that if the Government also contributed $10 million, then his dream of cleaning up New Zealand football “for its own good” could become a reality.
For their part, NZ Football Chair Frank van Hattum rubbished Dr Morgan’s proposal, suggesting that he’d “send Gareth another wooden spoon to jolt his memory on his track record with the Phoenix.”
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BROCKIE: “CALLING ME A STRIKER IS A BIT OF A STRETCH”
POSTED BY EDITOR ON DEC 16, 2013 IN FOOTBALL | 0 COMMENTS
Under fire Wellington Phoenix striker Jeremy Brockie has conceded that continuing to describe himself as a striker might be stretching the truth about his footballing abilities, following his missing of what should have been an easy tap in with an empty goal in front of him against the Brisbane Roar on Saturday night.
“It really was a shocker, wasn’t it?” said Brockie, who blasted the ball high after finding it at his feet with an unguarded goal ahead following Stein Huysegem shot that was parried by Roar goal keeper Michael Theo. “I mean, all I had to do was tap the ball in. Hell, I could have dribbled the ball in, just like they teach kids in age grade stuff. But instead I just smashed that ball. I saw it in front of me and was like bam!”
“It’s made me do a lot of thinking about the position I choose to play in football,” continued Brockie. “I mean it can’t be any coincidence that along with missing that absolute sitter, I’ve also gone 42 international games for the All Whites without scoring a goal. That’s got to be some sort of record, surely? We basically just play Fiji, New Caledonia and the Solomon Islands, how can I not be scoring against them when everyone else is?”
“Sure, I’ve got the ridiculous haircut, but is that really enough to call yourself a striker anymore? Calling me a striker is a bit of a stretch really isn’t it?”
When asked what caused him to try and make himself a striker in the first place, Brockie was quick to place the blame on “that whole bloody ‘well done for participating’ culture we have in this country. Maybe if someone had stopped the 10 year old me and said ‘Hey, Jeremy, you’re a bit shit at this whole football thing. Maybe you should carry the water?’ it could have saved us all a bit of embarrassment.”
Brockie was able about to take some consolation from his miss however, pointing out that “On the bright side, I’m not the first guy at Christmas time who’s seen the goal open before him and sprayed his shot high.”
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MERRICK KEEN TO ADD MORE CUTLERY TO PHOENIX COLLECTION
POSTED BY EDITOR ON OCT 14, 2013 IN FOOTBALL | 0 COMMENTS
In the wake of their last minute 2 – 1 defeat on Sunday afternoon to the Brisbane Roar, Wellington Phoenix coach Ernie Merrick has revealed that the loss was a “positive first step in the challenge of adding more cutlery to join our wooden spoon that we won last season.”
“Only once we have a full cupboard of cutlery will we be in a position to add any crockery to our kitchen,” Merrick said in the post-match press conference, “and then we might think of getting some silverware at some point after that.”
Stand-in captain, Ben Sigmund, who cut a dejected figure following the injury time defeat, said that the team was right behind Merrick’s cutlery quest. “I think Merrick’s decision to use kitchen metaphors to motivate the boys is great,” Sigmund said. “Paul Ifill reckons that Merrick might be talking about actual spatulas and whisks, but I’m pretty sure he’s referring to the long process of rebuilding this team from the ground up, which is exactly what Ricki Herbert said he was doing for each of his six years here. So his words really resonate with the lads.”
When asked about what the Phoenix could do to improve on their defeat, Sigmund had only one suggestion, “I figure if I just keep stomping on opposition strikers, then no one will want to score goals against us. I mean, I didn’t stomp on anyone tonight and look what happened.”
ho. ho. ho...
